Once Had .... Now Gone !

I kept wondering
if the floor sinks and
at what rate so i'd be able
to tell myself that i'm not
the only one
falling
so
deep
as to
drown
in webs
that couldn't
hold me.



it's pathetic,
i know,
but something in the air tells me
the walls have
meaning,
because they heard you speak,
frantically,
with lies stretched
across your forehead when
you repeated consistently

"i love you"



there is no pattern in
the frequency
of heartbreak
and your lips & heart are
loveless:


smothering me whole as though
you were a priest and i
was jesus, mistaken
for a goddamn atheist; a nuisance
you couldn't handle.


i never thought you,
handsome and fragile,
would be so repellant;
a disaster looking for
comfort
in my fingers

but you slipped,
even after i offered you
my pulse,
only asking you to perfect my hope
as though
it'll help
you breathe.

you're hypocritical nature
always pursued
you,
to go on
and
pretend
to have
virtues,
morals
or
religious beliefs.
and afflict
pain
on me.

and you left, staggering
Intoxicted
over empty whiskey bottles and
half-full shots when i wasn't,
dead enough
to forget she existed.

that she didn't love you
enough
to rip the space between our hands.

--



but ,
i'm done
now


and darling,

don't even
breathe
this
name...
EVER again.

.... Of the Pot belly'd bearded Bastards... aka Udhair Umar admi !!

Today was a day no different from everyday... "offices kay dhakay to be precise"
I always knew nothin can be accomplished without Bribe in our country ! " Note dekhao .. Mood banwao " ... But been bribing everyone from " chaprasi" level to the "highest rank officer" at a government office from 1 whole week .. but to No avail !!!!! & i thought they were there to serve US !! ..... BULLSHIT ! !!!
All the haramee baree baree umron k admi .. wid LONG white beards & " mehraab" on their foreheads !!! ( MAY GOD SAVE US ALL FROM THEM ) are the corrupt-est Of the LOT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jesus ... what do you need to do .. when you need somethin done ..
Illiterate bastards .. Pindon say aaye howay,
probably last seven generations ploughing seeds with Cow dung in freakin farms at Places Humans never even HEARD of ..
They been given authoritative rights to sit on a DAMN table with a computer they dont even know how to operate ..
& what do they do then ? SCREW you..
If GOD FORBID u look like literate person ,who's POLITE .. They bang you against the walls...
& ALL EXTRA Money you paid to reach them, goes down the Drain ..
Their Beards become venomous Noxious Snakes & the Mehraab on their forehead looks like a dropping of a BIRD from hell .. F*ckin Bastards !!!!!!!
You pay for being polite , for being 'parha Likha' for NOT lookin like a Paindoo in Dhoti & having the same appearance as HIM !!! itna bara guna hai Is mulq mai shareef aur para likha Hona ya dekhna !
Everyone says being a woman In this country a Plus POINT .. BULLSHIT !!!!!!!!!!!!!
For that you have to be a woman of their Level .. as corrupt & revolting looking & bitchy as them...
SUB KABEL-E_ QATAL hain .... harami !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On Valentine's daY ...

Wandering & Lost ...
in a fog of mixed emotions
A broken smile and a twisted dream
follow me...............

This constant flow of reattached motion
Blinds me and makes me want to see
How dose the darkness blind me so?
How dose my heart not understand ?

The truth is I would fall
and you wouldn’t ever know
Its sad because...
I still can’t comprehend.

The Compassion...
that plays with my feelings so well
The sadness is steering
and the memories haunting

Will I be trapped forever in this fucking hell ?
Its funny how you’re holding my,
knife and are flaunting at me..
What are you thinking?

Do you even understand,
where the source of my pain is from?
It’s funny because..
I never see you blinking !?

When the bloody tears fall from my face ..
and you never come !
You just leave me alone to die
and drown in my sorrow..
I look right threw you ,
as I soak in the desolation.

The taste fills me with fear ,
and I’m scared I won’t see tomorrow..
How much more do I need to show you my desperation..
I’m lost now and will my heart be let to die !

Will my thoughts just be lost in a mindless conversation, forever ?
Is there even hope left for me?
To even try to fix my self somehow?
even if I drown in my frustration?

Forget me not is my last words to you..
I’ll leave my blood hands for someone else to hold..

My back is burned in a shameful tattoo !
I’ll be someone else’s creation for them to mold..

The chains won’t set me free and I’m so confused..
What is it that I do ?
is my life set up for some reason?

I’m so sick of my poor heart being so abused..
There is no one to set me free from this treason?
Maybe I’ll give in to temptation and just forget how I feel
The funny thing is I think my heart gave up long ago..
I have come to the conclusion that my soul will not healed ..............


( another valentine's spent in seclusion & isolation .. I hate to see the world Celebrate Love !!
I hate their happiness ... & feel they Fake it ..... How can i know if its 4 'REAL' since ive never felt it or expereinced it )

makes me Hate u more each day !

Oh now U hate me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hate me if you want
hate me if you might
hate me if I'm wrong
or hate me if I'm right.

hate me because
I'm good looking
hate me because your not
hate me for whatever reason
hate me with everything you got.

hate me for not begging you
hate me for not seeing things your way
hate me for not sinking to your level
hate me every minute of everyday.

hate for still having loved you
hate me for speaking the truth
hate me for always waiting
hate me for the difficult times..
i've always helped you through.

hate me for being stronger than you
hate me because I'm the person
you want to be
hate me because your pitiful
like everyone who judges me

n guess wat ...
U turned out 2b .. yet another S.O.B !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i wanna explain how exhausted i am,
even in my dreams,
how i wake up tired,
how i'm being drowned by some kind of black wave.
But i can't write and he doesn't wanna know about it anyway !

This valentine,

I won't feel as lonely

as I am.

Promise

"Sorrow you can hold, however desolating,
if nobody speaks to you.
If they speak, you break down."
-Bede Jarrett