The Forgotten Trophy

On a shelf she sits,
Placed by Him
Right between the copper girl
With the chipped heart
And the older woman on the pedestal

On a shelf she sits,
Waiting impatiently
For Him to love her.
She's not like the others.

She thinks
He won't leave me here ... unwanted.
Not like He left them.

So she waits for Him
To take her down
And rescue her.

On a shelf she sits,
Alone with the other
Forgotten trophies.

Now...
she hopes to fall
And break
Into tiny pieces of escape.
Then she'll know for sure
She's free from the shelf
Free
From Him.

Promises Broken ~

A promise of Yes
that does turns to No,
is a sad and painful review.

And It runs through your mind
again and again
thoughts bad and unkind
self doubt displaces the truth.

You tend to accept,
your inner most faults
instead of just looking toward pain.
You beat yourself down
your head to the ground
the feeling just
drives you insane.

So if you give your word,
a promise to one,
prepare to make it come true .
For if you turn sour,
and change your mind in an hour
then you're painting
the others world blue.

A Valediction ..

If we must part,
Then let it be like this,
Not heart on heart,
Nor with the useless anguish of a kiss,
But touch mine hand and say,
'Until tomorrow or some other day,
If we must part.'

Words are so weak
When love hath been so strong..
Let silence speak..
'Life is a little while, and love is long,
A time to sow and reap,
After harvest a long time to sleep,
But words are weak."


-Ernest Dowson~

My Sweet Song ...

CRY .... Roxette

A CLASSIC .... Am so Glad i found it after so many yrs ..

( This is a DEMO version , the best i cud find .. though the Original version has more bass & depth to the song )

Sweet Angel O Mine ...

I have been trying to get in touch with
'My Angel' for a while ..
Calling out ..
With
Love
Need
Pain
Sadness
But it is true , that sometimes you have the 1 thing you want so much right infront of you ,but too blind or see it or realize .

My angel
Is right here
With me
Been for so long

My angel is who soothed
My frowned brow everytime.

My angel is who wiped
Away all my tears ,everyday.

My angel is who made
Me sit down whenever I got tired.

My angel is who did
Put things inorder while I worked on other things.
With tiny lil hands my angel always helped me.

My angel is who would go out of the way and do
Things to please me and make me happy.

My angel is who always held
Me whenever the world got cold .

My angel is who always told me
Everything will be ok
Even if my angel didn't understand the complexities of the world.

My angel is who always
Laughed with me
And cried with me .

And as I look at you
Sweet angel O mine
Lying down
In a deep sleep
Your body rests
But your innocence
Still jumps out of you
Announcing your purity
Ever so evident
Than ever before ..
I hope your purity
Never gets corrupted
I wish you would never grow old
Seizing time,
And I could look at you forever.

But that's not the law of nature
You will grow old
So will I ..

But you will always be
"Mine" :)

You would be recognized
By my existance.

My ANGEL is someone I never saw before
Today ..
So..
Thank You GOD ..
For my angel
My savior
My will to live .




--- Mehr ... The Light Of My Life .

The Road to Perfection .

Amidst of all the Imperfections ..
I strive to be Perfect ..
Like a single breathing flower..
Trying hard to survive ..
In a hostile war zone..

In between all the lethal bombardment
I try to hold on to my being
and survive, yet another day.

Yes its survial against achieving perfection now!
Should I now ,solely care about staying Alive
Or
Should I keep on fighting the war
To achieve Perfection!?

How can I be perfect?
How can I ever achieve such perfection
Or any perfection
When I'm a mere human
And all the judges I stand against
Are no longer people
But GODS made out of flesh!

Kab mili thi ....
Kahan bichiri thi ...

Humaiy yaad nahi ...

Zindagi tujh ko tu ...

Bus khwab mai ...
Dekha hum nay ...

Us Andhee Mohabbat kay naam

Us andhee mohabbat kay naam,
jo mai tujh say kar baithi ..

teri khokhali
chahaton kay sumander
mai aisee dhoobi
kay sab kuch gawa bathi..

tum mangtay
khoon ki aik boondh
tu mai nadiyan baha daiti ..

tum nay har cheez mai
rang bharnay sikhay ..
aur mai un rangon mai
ghum ho kar
har zakham ko haseen
bana bathi

tum khwab dekhatay gaye
aur mai sari zindagee
ka naqsha bana bathi ..

Us kalay asmano ko
neela bana bathi
us sookhi zameen
ko sar sabz bana bathi

jab phainka phir tunay
un nazuk khawabo
ko asmaa say zameen par

nadanee mai
un kankeron
ko samayt kar
teri bachi howe
mohabbat
bana baithi

abb jabb
palat kay dekhti hoon
tu ankhain hoti hai num
nazer ata hai
aik adhoora sa jeewan
tootay phootay waday
Ujaray sab ..
khwab aur khwahishain.

Waqt nay aisa
sitam kiya
kay..
wohi tum ho
wohi hum
wohi duniya
lakin
hazaron sadiyon
kay faslay
darmiyan hain

woh rastay bhi ab
haseen nahi rahay
jo tum tak jatay hain ..

abb na khwab baqee hain
na he koi tamana dil mai

Abb aik sahil par tum ho
aur mai dooseray par ..
kaisey aaon us paar ...

jab paniyon mai
sari khastiyaan he
jul baithin

Kia andhee mohabbat thi woh ..
aye adaam zaat
kay
teray peechay
deen duniya kia
mai khud ko
aur khuda ko bhi
gawa bathi ...


( Inspiration derived from old 'JUNOON' songs)

The Forgotten Clock ..

This battered clock refuses now to chime
I think it does it solely out of spite
It's tears forever trapped in stolen time
It chimes so loud and forlorn late at night.

Like some forgotten child on the street
That skips around so active after dark
When morning comes she'll slowly drag her feet..
And silently lie weeping in the park.

This battered clock has served its time in silence
In hope that it will fire up a spark
Of silent indignation for the lost ones
To noisily shine through the dooming dark.

I am both clock and child combined
Silent fighter for my freedom
A prisoner of forgotten dreams
In this worn out dusty kingdom.

Eid .............. again !

Your Filter Of Deception.

You seem to assume
To know me
Who I am
What I am
My intentions
My purpose

You cannot know
The impossible life
Behind this that I am
You cannot know
Or begin to know
This that I am

I sought only to learn
A little about you
For when first I saw you
My heart was touched
You were as a sunset
Gleaming on the clouds
With impossible splendor
And I was touched
I heard you speak
Words with depth
Knowledge and understanding
The sunset on which I gazed
Grew even more splendid
I sought only to learn more
About this sunset

Perhaps you assumed
To have known my aim
Thinking it must be
To win your heart
And know your form
Perhaps you believe
That my goal
A simple roll in the sack

No...
In the years
That make my life
I have learned
Bitter lessons
Hard lessons
Many lessons
Lessons of the heart
Tearing and dismal lessons
Of the heart
Lessons of understanding
Of the soul

Amongst my teachings
That which life has taught
This that I am
I have learned
To reach with my heart
When touched
To seek greater understanding
When charmed
Held in the terrific splendor
Of a gleaming sunset
Even at great risk
Risk of rejection
Misunderstanding
Or even discovering
That the sunset
Was but a reflection
Of my standing hope
For a sparkling diamond
In the rough

I know
You will see me
Through the powerful filter
Of your experience
Perhaps this experience
Has never seen
Known
The likes of me
Perhaps you find it difficult
To believe..
My aim..
My goal..
Was simply
To take the time
To learn about you

This has been the way
With me
It seems
I am often
Misunderstood

So........
Think what you will
Of me
Fortress yourself !!
Within your assumptions
Lay guesses and ponderings
About this that I am
Rather than venturing
To learn
And understand.
Solace your heart
With the belief

That I
Fit within your understanding.

That I
Am like any other woman.

Just some gal,
Looking for affection
A piece of ass.

Convince yourself
That I am not genuine
Honest or real
Truly wasn't interested
In learning
About the person
You were
Was just taking the time
To get to know you
Choose to believe..

That I
Perhaps even all humans
Are driven
Solely on instinct
To find a mate
Only interested
In playing
The necessary games
To win your affection

Not all women
Are wired this way
But perhaps
You may never realize this
Safely fortressed
Behind your blinding assumptions
Behind your veil
Your filter
Of deception ...

( Rot on .. .. .. )

Walkaway Joe --

ill fated ..

A weight upon my shoulder,
A barb within my heart,
When will it be over
The pain felt from the start?

Life is just a hardship,
One topping yet another,
Death approaches us so quick,
Us the world does smother.

Victims are born to the world,
Alone, without a friend,
Villains hold their fingers curled,
Bringing others to an end.

Evil is the new virtue,
What else is there to be said;
What is a person to do,
When all goodness is dead?

No More Confusion ...

so many ...
back stabs but ,
You are stronger then that.
you'll never need him.
look at yourself in the mirror.
is he there?
he will never be.
he causes the pain
you dont deserve or need.
no need for your heart to bleed.
you are no more confused !

tommorrow brings out a New Sun
and a New Day !

Sometimes LOVE just aint enough !!!

MY FAV SONG of Absolutely all Times ....

Mere lafzon ki pehchan agar
kar leita woh Faraz.....
Tu usey mujh say nahi
khud say mohabat ho jati....

And she gives in ... to Gravity .. !

Pictures
Memories
Words
No real thoughts

Out in space
Wondering how much of a waste
These years have been
Because in the end she just gave in

She let the gravity of life go
Just did it to let everyone know
She’s tired
The love in her heart expired

Her thoughts no longer
Able to be rewired

Gravity gives way
While others live another day
Just floating off drifting on the lies
On the waves that pull her into deaths tide

Gravity suddenly pulls her down
Then it’s over all the pain drowned…

Kis Tarha ....

I dont think alotta ppl have actually heard dis song
But what a beautifully sung , heartbreaking song !






-- Mana hum woh nahi ..
jisko chahatay ho tum ..
Geet hum woh nahi ..
jisko gatay ho tum ...

-- Shair hum woh nahi ..
jisko likhtay ho tum ..
Maeenay woh nahi ...
jo samjhtay ho tum ...

-- aik Hum wohi jo ..
likhaiy tum pay ghazal ..
Tumhe unwahn mere
aaj bhi aur kal ...

(Something I wrote a really long time ago )


He was thus,
Communing on his ship
On the quiet side of the Night...

She was not a little girl,
Heartbroken about him.
She was a grown Woman..
.. Smiling at it ..

- But they were
Wet smiles ..
With wet eyes .

Caged ..

A glass wall separates me from my site.
So that the world teasingly dangles in front of me,
Knowing that I can't touch it.
Knowing that I only await waiting to
Waiting for the animal,
clawing fervently underneath my skin
to find an exit,
to find freedom,
but mostly,
you.

Is Duniya kay
Rasm-o-Riwajon say ..
In Takhaton say ,
In Tajon say --
Azaad karo ,
mujhay Azaad karo ..
Han
Mai bhaghi hoon ..
Mai bhagi hoon
Jo chahay mujh par
zulm karo .. !

The Ghost In the Darkness ..

( Dedicated 2 the twisted memories of 19th january , 2009 ... Still haunting )


Your hope tastes like rain but so much sweeter
head buried in your hands and almost crying
I never knew you, not really
but your masquerade was enchanting

No better Harlequin has ever been
walking these halls, i can't remember
a better actor or actress even
you never stuck to just one gender

now you come saying that you love me
but could you ever love or are you pretending?
I never knew with you, not really
but isn't part of love not knowing?

I can see my reflection in your eyes telling
'Not a better Harlequin has ever been
walking these halls, i can't remenber
a better actor or actress really
she never stuck to just one gender'

So if we finally end up together
with only words and heart to bind us
how should we know who we are even
if all this time we've been hiding?

No More ...

Time and Time again ...
When I feel I can't ..
Take No more
Dis Ever changing world ..
Pushes me through another door ...

Cuz babe .. World revoles in circles
And my head spins Non-stop
In a never ending vertigo


Shallow bodies walk around ..
Heartless ..
And every time I turn around
I see souls
Shapesless ..

So teme babe ..
What's it gonna take?
For you to realize ..
Feelings run deep No more ..
Just a fabrication
On the outter most layers of the skin .

What is gona take ?
For you to see
There aint No lovin feelin no more ..
There aint no passion no more ..

The colours of the painting
all gone dark and stale ..
Cuz there aint no colour No more ...

Babe ..
Your eyes have lost the light ..
You walkin around in cirles..
Trying to blend in ..
Millions of faces..

You've lost yourself babe!
Yes you don't feel pain No more ..
Can you even hear yourself breathin lately..

What's it gona take babe ..
What's it gona take ..
For you to see...
You aint among the livin.. No more !

Zara par-e ...

(My 1st attempt ever 2 write in urdu :P:S .. )



Ik chand tanha khara raha,
Mere asma se zara pare

Mere sath sath safar mein tha,
Meri manzalon se zara pare

Teri justajo kay hisab se,
Tere khuwab tere khayal se

Mein woh shakhs tha jo khara raha ,
Teri chahaton se zara pare

Kabhi dil ki baat kahi na thi,
Jo kahi bhi tu dabi dabi

Mere lafz tu poore the magar,
Teri samjhon se zara pare

Tu chala jaye ga mere DOST
Zara dekh murh kay ik nazar

Meri kishtian hai jali howien,
Tere sahiloon se zara pare!







Man On the Run ..

You stole my peace and you stole my heart.
Made me a fool right from the start

Wouldn’t have been so bad except
This little game of yours
it fell apart

If I were you,
I’d dare not speak
I’d run like hell,
in hopes of seeing tomorrow

It’s such a travesy
the way you said our love should be

Yeah, such a tragedy
think you can just break my heart and leave me

Well, you better run now,
Man on the run

Playing for fun,
wind me up leave me undone
I was no toy
But u played me for fun.

Remember
Wherever you are
The black curse will follow
Of the destruction you caused
And left me hollow

These lips are sealed
I’ll never speak

Your name in loving memory
So don’t you try to make amends

That’s what you gain for playing me
If I were you I’d dare not speak
I’d run like hell in hopes of seeing tomorrow

Break my heart
and leave me now
Man on the run

It’s such a travesy
the way you said
our love should be

Yeah, such a tragedy
think you can just break my heart and leave me

Well, you better run now,
Man on the run
Playing for fun,
wind me up leave me undone

My Heart skips a beat ...
thinking ...
what it would be like..
losing a good friend...
AGAIN ...

Misunderstood .

Being kind and nice,
Can be a vice.

If i mislead anyone, I'm sorry.
Being friendly & honest , makes me worry.

Things i do and say ,I think are harmless.
But somehow , turns into a mess.

I just want to be accepted for ME.
Closed hearted until I think, it should be.
My personality ..again...MISUNDERSTOOD !

-- Barbara Goodhew

Touched by GOD ...

Quiet walk on the subtle path
Shaded by the ancient giants
Gazing deeply into the silence
Starting anew on the contrite journey
Fears dissipate on the rays
Through the small holes in the covering
Streaming from the heavens above
Unseen in this instant, yet always there
God of foreverness here in this moment
Subtly touching this subtle child
Barely perceivable yet overwhelming flood

Songs of angels accompany the walk
Deeply moving the waiting quiet soul
Raging calm tides move the still
Inviting the inferno of utter divinity
Return to the holy ashes of creation
Sparked by a humble and quiet prayer
Sparked by a contrite and needy soul

Invited by this unworthy child
Accepted by this lover of God
Touched by God’s own hand
Healed in the salvation of this instant
Changed forever in the bathing of Love
Changed forever in the perfection of God

Praising now and forever this gift
Salvation here in a holy instant
Perfection dawns in a humble prayer
Returning to Creation’s Divine Hand


( Thank you GOD for giving me peace )

Lessons Learned

Away from death,
I saw life there
And seized it completely,
it was mine-
For quiet death
I did not care
I did not find
the dead divine.
But,
I strove on
in life's good fight
And did not think
of being dead
Still I thought
that I was right
To battle on
in life instead.
I did not praise the Lord,
I was not quiet,
was not good
But I thought
of those who died-
"They said life's good, they understood"
And still,
I know I am alive-
Still I am praising
the young.
having survived you..
Now I swear,
I will survive
The battle which cannot be won.

The Eternal Wait ..

500 years........

-- it took me ...
To find the
lost piece ...
of my puzzle ...

-- Only 2 .. lose it again !

I guess its time ..

It must be time
why else are we so driven
to reveal what we've been shown
it's because there's more to all of this
than time alone has shown
time mirrored into doubles and quadrupled into go
time swirling and unfurling like a vortex in the flow
time ripping through the veils of separation from our fates
time merging worlds and promised lands
and kingdoms with their mates
the body of my knowledge bursts the body of my flesh
but time, relentless, hears the cry, the hungry human wish
time, seeking its own timelessness
speaks visions through our lips
and tells us we are time's endeared and long-awaited ships

A Silent Prayer for Rain

A reflective thought in quiet times
Progress not being quite so much
a matter of things accomplished,
as fullfillments promised to myself
Unwrapped carefully like cherished gifts.

A world of expectation washed away
Permission to drain the pond
New waters curl around these rocks
while slowly, ever so slowly
sharp edges worn and smoothed to fit

This gentle wearing away,
takes time It comes
no faster than it comes
Leaving me to dream a while
with hopes the waters don't recede
and meanwhile silently,
pray for rain .

Survival .

-- The heron...

old bent thing,

spends hours ...

looking like graying bark,

part of a dead trunk

lying over opaque water.

She strikes the pose so long

I begin to worry.

Because ....

she's determined to be something ordinary.

The small lakes continue their slide into bog and muck—

remember when they ran clear,

an invisible spring renewing the water?

But the ducks stay longer,

amusing ruffle and chatter.

So everyone can be distracted.

But the heron appears to have

no particular fear or hunger.

Her gaunt body ..

hinged haphazardly,

a few gears unlocking one wing,

then another.

More than a generation here

and every year more drab.

Older now,

I see her plain:

a mere surviving against a weedy bank

with fox dens

and the ruthless,

overhead patrol.

Yet ...

Some blind clockwork keeps her going !

FALL

( for Eric Schaeffer .. the man who inspired me to write again ... & also for the Man .. who'd never know how much i loved him .... always)

I was a funny little man. Needed the fan's help just to make it out of bed every morning. But luckily I was blessed with the best fans in the league. For the rest of the day I needed God's help. But luckily I was blessed with the best God in the league, too


So many universes,
So many Planets,
So many countries
So many Cities,
So many cabs,
So many cab drivers,
So may streets,
So many people,
So many years,
So many months,
So many hours,
So many moments.
Be careful what you pray for ..God ! that was always a tough one for me.


There are those times when you know without a doubt that there is a GOD.
" The Chills "
'You just get those Chills '

Why if words i knew..
Why is notions whose faces at times sleep with me..
Why, when all is all
& nothing is alone,
Can i only say again & again ,
" Your SMILE slays me'

I cant ever wait to see you again.

Candle light "
" steel blue-gray clouds over small lights"
" Sweet balance & snowflakes on the steps waiting "
" Like me.... for you to.... Fall "
..if Only you were able to move..to go to .. fall .

I know how deep your smile,
how hard your love,
how far your longing,
how wild your pleasure
..if you are able to Fall .
To see you there ..then.. would tickle me crazy,
To see you then in the embrace of that Fall.
But i already know that view ..

YOU have that smile ..
your eyes for another bring that ---
" that love , that joy , that Fall " .

Therefore I hum , I sigh , I giggle, I kiss , I smile , I know , I bow , I go
having had the joy--
having had the very joy. I ever desired for you.
Only for YOU ..
" And your Fall ...
for HIM "

I long for you in my arms.
" When you're there, i know a magic " !
"The Stars, the sands & sunsets & secrets whisper"
I know a moment that Rains & Dawns
The moons & loves devour.

I Know a Calm , a Chaos , a Close
" a Capture that my heart dies for.
I know you, there , then , in my arms...in the shadow of my yearning for you.
..there then .. in my arms forever.

when you sure that GOD has same intentions as you --
not even intentions --
Inspiration.... that its finally your turn ...

The Rush , the Calm , the Excitement , the Lack of words to describe that feeling...
" Those Chills "
You just get those Chills again ..

I've wanted to tell you for a while now
I wanted to say it as you , reached for a teacup in your kitchen
that night we fought about --
"why do we have to eat chinease on your floor " ? -- and then made up

I wanted to say it as the Moonlight shone in on you as you slept in your bed
when i felt you heart racing against my chest
In your suite foyer in Spain --when you first saw your Roses even though i wasnt there.

--But mostly i wanted to say it last night i saw you
as i held you in my arms..
looking down at your precious face..
I wanted to say it so badly, to tell you that .
The words each time graced my lips
like an imposter , only to fall away like some great blizzard,
that was taken out to the sea,
to rain its fury on the dark oceanes alone,
Unbeknownst... to any hearing.

I pray that you can hear them for what they are.
Feel them for what they are & NOT mar them with the knowledge, that they stand apart from your ability to reciprocate them !

Please take them in your Heart & feel them with your eyes closed & your Soul open for ' just a moment' .. my voice speaking them softly in your ear with a kiss-

"when you smile,
when your head lightly moves to dance,
when we kiss ,
when you ramble over a glass of wine,
when you act boldly,
when you laugh,
when you squeeze my hand,
when you call my name ina gruff whisper
when your heart races on my chest in a close embrace,
"When you love me " !!!!!!!!!

What I'm sad about is Selfish .
I'm sad at God's timing.
I'm only a man and as a man I miss uyou.
I Miss you terribly
I miss your Kiss
I miss your Smile
-- How i miss your SMILE --

But most of all ... I miss the moment that hasnt happened yet.
"The moment when you let yourself 'FALL' for me "

what makes it hard for me is knowing how much you Care for me.. how much in a way you do love me.

How much you would enjoy smiling wryly-- as you hurled yourself beackwards off the cliff & said .
-- " Catch me baby " --

If i didnt know that i could make you a Villain ... me a Victim & soothe myself...
..But i cant because it isnt the truth.
" The truth ,we both know"
" The truth is , not today "

I know that you're not leaving him for me & i wouldnt want you to .. I would want you to leave him for You.

I slso know you would never fly a million miles to see me smile at you !
" SOMEDAY maybe , but not today "

SO i guess ..i better Disappear.
I know you will be okay.. and soon i will be too.

And maybe, Just maybe if GOD so desires the day will come when , as friends we will find ourselves accidentally strolling alone white cliffs of Dover or the mountain rocks of Mendocino, or the Bonny Emerald north of the Scottish Seaborad , or the glistening harbour of Old New York .

And from the Heights in the Stars ....amongst the angels whose arms will cradle us ,,,
In a moment neither none of Us was told about ...
But knew like our oldest Happiness,
We will look into each other's eyes & know it is TODAY



It is Today ..
& whether that day is tomorrow or next week or next year or next lifetime.
I will finally get to tell you on your sweet face, the face that i will miss more than i could ever tell ...that I love you.
" I Love You "
oh baby , i love you ---

And you , you Smile wryly , Close your eyes & say

-- " Catch me baby .... and FALL " ----


I was a funny little man. Needed the fan's help just to make it out of bed every morning. But luckily I was blessed with the best fans in the league. For the rest of the day I needed God's help. But luckily I was blessed with the best God in the league, too !--And boy ! did HE come to Play ...
That Crazy GOD always comes to Play.

( To the Celebration of Slain Hope )

---- by Eric Schaeffer
--- from the movie " Fall "

Send my parcel out to the Sea ..

Stuck in a time loop

each day different

falling out of grace

screaming as loud

as I can

but my energy is restricted

restricted from the frantic race

with everything and everyone

That helps me relax

i live the same

day over and over again.

With tolerance painted violet

my soul wrapped

in my pale body

tattooed my letter of arrival

on my carcass

placed

in my self loathing soul

into an imaginary box

left a slot for commentary

for a reason to stay

locked up

dreamland is nothing more

then a metaphorical world

realms clashed and laced together

unravelling each day

send my parcel to sea

one day I could wake up

in my hospital bed

comma free

This imaginary box

would really be imaginary

I would really be sane

And We all Fall down ---

--it was as if
we were detonated

fated to fall,

to tumble like twin towers,
crumbling cares
around wasteland's waist

and we knew
the taste of dust
that doused a thousand dreams.
We rumbled realities
to crash carelessness
through windows
of non-reflective refurbishments

neglecting to mention
new notions
that wiped our wishes away

and day--

that raised referendums
through ill-defined moments.

You became my torment,

twisting metallic meanings
through my screaming-space,
to erase feelings
that somehow fell too far

I drifted down
your sifted shames
and lost at love's games
within your greedy grasp

while my voice played victor
to your dictated dilemmas.

We started atop seperate roofs,
produced proof
of chinese conspiracies
and weighed whispers
upon the lids of lesser lives...

and as the mirage of you
dies,
my cries simply stop
and I smear your memory
within the tread
of terrorist taunts--

you haunt me no more,
while you walk your wisdoms
on the walls of other souls,

to grow only grief
within wails

of your solitary demise.

Jars of Clay ( band )

" Worlds Apart "

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart


I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart


( OST from the movie " FALL " )

On the road to Self Destruction.

Sleep is .......... difficult .
breathing.......... an effort.
Life is................. demanding.
Happiness..... impossible .
Hope ........ invisible.
Agony is......... overbearing
Pain is ........ unstoppable
Fate is ...... uncompromising.

& i am all out of

Love
faith
affection
patience
forgiveness
and
hope

all that is left is..

Regret
Shame
and
Suffering

I was a woman of faith !
Faith In Religion
Faith In GOD
Faith in family
faith in friends
Faith in my loved one's.

From being up all night kneeled down in prayer.
I no longer believe in anything ..
Nor in religion
Nor in GOD
nor in family
nor in friends
nor in my loved one's
NOR in Myself !
I AM FAITHLESS !

People are so cruel, so so cruel .. They pass out judgements ..make their own stories and sum up their own assumptions to come to bitter conclusions !
i want to ask them..
But have you suffered what i have ?
have you even had a chance to glimpse at the life i've lead till now?
want to take a trip down the hell road then ?

Yet , fate is an impartial mistress!
And rules me guilty , in the court of justice...
Out of love & out of Hope
I found peace in you ..
You were ..my last hope !
the wind that kept afloat my sinking ship ...
And you .. my love .. worked as ' taizaab' ( its amazing how this word rhymes with you ) ' acid'
that seeped inside my skin and burned me to the bone.. till it left me..
naked ...
Skin-less
with holes in my bones ..
or rather ...
Hole in my Soul ..

sigh

What have i done ?!?!?
Where am i going ?
what will i do ?
Life is an agony now ..
Not even a single glimpse of hope !

yet i havent still
sinned or been immortal ... but i get punished everyday ..
People are scared to go to Hell ..
I have been there & still standing on burning fire .. but i dont feel the heat .. maybe because i been here too long ! I have been burning alive so long , my body and soul are now used to it !

Everyday is now a sinking Sun .. on the horizon
While i stand on the shore
barefeet ..
reaching out ..
to catch the dying light ..
I stretch Out ..
try to hold on to the last ..
dying ray of the sun ..
As the sea devours
the brightness
& its Dark again ..
& i'm sightless like the blind ...
Again ...

And i wonder ?
Will i ever see light again ..
Will i ever experience something as minor as ' HOPE'
or as huge as ' HAPPINESS"
or as Grand as ' CONTENTMENT'

Will i ever write any happy thoughts on this blog ?
will i ever be positive about anything in life ..
EVER !?

The most Peaceful place in the world ..
that is suppose to provide you ..
with the coolest shade in hard in rough times ..

Has become the fiery pits of hell ..................................

welcome 2 your 'New' Game.. Once again play-ya !
waitin 4 U2 Rot in HELL ..
4 Eternity.................

Once Had .... Now Gone !

I kept wondering
if the floor sinks and
at what rate so i'd be able
to tell myself that i'm not
the only one
falling
so
deep
as to
drown
in webs
that couldn't
hold me.



it's pathetic,
i know,
but something in the air tells me
the walls have
meaning,
because they heard you speak,
frantically,
with lies stretched
across your forehead when
you repeated consistently

"i love you"



there is no pattern in
the frequency
of heartbreak
and your lips & heart are
loveless:


smothering me whole as though
you were a priest and i
was jesus, mistaken
for a goddamn atheist; a nuisance
you couldn't handle.


i never thought you,
handsome and fragile,
would be so repellant;
a disaster looking for
comfort
in my fingers

but you slipped,
even after i offered you
my pulse,
only asking you to perfect my hope
as though
it'll help
you breathe.

you're hypocritical nature
always pursued
you,
to go on
and
pretend
to have
virtues,
morals
or
religious beliefs.
and afflict
pain
on me.

and you left, staggering
Intoxicted
over empty whiskey bottles and
half-full shots when i wasn't,
dead enough
to forget she existed.

that she didn't love you
enough
to rip the space between our hands.

--



but ,
i'm done
now


and darling,

don't even
breathe
this
name...
EVER again.

.... Of the Pot belly'd bearded Bastards... aka Udhair Umar admi !!

Today was a day no different from everyday... "offices kay dhakay to be precise"
I always knew nothin can be accomplished without Bribe in our country ! " Note dekhao .. Mood banwao " ... But been bribing everyone from " chaprasi" level to the "highest rank officer" at a government office from 1 whole week .. but to No avail !!!!! & i thought they were there to serve US !! ..... BULLSHIT ! !!!
All the haramee baree baree umron k admi .. wid LONG white beards & " mehraab" on their foreheads !!! ( MAY GOD SAVE US ALL FROM THEM ) are the corrupt-est Of the LOT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jesus ... what do you need to do .. when you need somethin done ..
Illiterate bastards .. Pindon say aaye howay,
probably last seven generations ploughing seeds with Cow dung in freakin farms at Places Humans never even HEARD of ..
They been given authoritative rights to sit on a DAMN table with a computer they dont even know how to operate ..
& what do they do then ? SCREW you..
If GOD FORBID u look like literate person ,who's POLITE .. They bang you against the walls...
& ALL EXTRA Money you paid to reach them, goes down the Drain ..
Their Beards become venomous Noxious Snakes & the Mehraab on their forehead looks like a dropping of a BIRD from hell .. F*ckin Bastards !!!!!!!
You pay for being polite , for being 'parha Likha' for NOT lookin like a Paindoo in Dhoti & having the same appearance as HIM !!! itna bara guna hai Is mulq mai shareef aur para likha Hona ya dekhna !
Everyone says being a woman In this country a Plus POINT .. BULLSHIT !!!!!!!!!!!!!
For that you have to be a woman of their Level .. as corrupt & revolting looking & bitchy as them...
SUB KABEL-E_ QATAL hain .... harami !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On Valentine's daY ...

Wandering & Lost ...
in a fog of mixed emotions
A broken smile and a twisted dream
follow me...............

This constant flow of reattached motion
Blinds me and makes me want to see
How dose the darkness blind me so?
How dose my heart not understand ?

The truth is I would fall
and you wouldn’t ever know
Its sad because...
I still can’t comprehend.

The Compassion...
that plays with my feelings so well
The sadness is steering
and the memories haunting

Will I be trapped forever in this fucking hell ?
Its funny how you’re holding my,
knife and are flaunting at me..
What are you thinking?

Do you even understand,
where the source of my pain is from?
It’s funny because..
I never see you blinking !?

When the bloody tears fall from my face ..
and you never come !
You just leave me alone to die
and drown in my sorrow..
I look right threw you ,
as I soak in the desolation.

The taste fills me with fear ,
and I’m scared I won’t see tomorrow..
How much more do I need to show you my desperation..
I’m lost now and will my heart be let to die !

Will my thoughts just be lost in a mindless conversation, forever ?
Is there even hope left for me?
To even try to fix my self somehow?
even if I drown in my frustration?

Forget me not is my last words to you..
I’ll leave my blood hands for someone else to hold..

My back is burned in a shameful tattoo !
I’ll be someone else’s creation for them to mold..

The chains won’t set me free and I’m so confused..
What is it that I do ?
is my life set up for some reason?

I’m so sick of my poor heart being so abused..
There is no one to set me free from this treason?
Maybe I’ll give in to temptation and just forget how I feel
The funny thing is I think my heart gave up long ago..
I have come to the conclusion that my soul will not healed ..............


( another valentine's spent in seclusion & isolation .. I hate to see the world Celebrate Love !!
I hate their happiness ... & feel they Fake it ..... How can i know if its 4 'REAL' since ive never felt it or expereinced it )

makes me Hate u more each day !

Oh now U hate me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hate me if you want
hate me if you might
hate me if I'm wrong
or hate me if I'm right.

hate me because
I'm good looking
hate me because your not
hate me for whatever reason
hate me with everything you got.

hate me for not begging you
hate me for not seeing things your way
hate me for not sinking to your level
hate me every minute of everyday.

hate for still having loved you
hate me for speaking the truth
hate me for always waiting
hate me for the difficult times..
i've always helped you through.

hate me for being stronger than you
hate me because I'm the person
you want to be
hate me because your pitiful
like everyone who judges me

n guess wat ...
U turned out 2b .. yet another S.O.B !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i wanna explain how exhausted i am,
even in my dreams,
how i wake up tired,
how i'm being drowned by some kind of black wave.
But i can't write and he doesn't wanna know about it anyway !

This valentine,

I won't feel as lonely

as I am.

Promise

"Sorrow you can hold, however desolating,
if nobody speaks to you.
If they speak, you break down."
-Bede Jarrett

On the Stage ...

Singing for the world,

looking at passers by.

On the outside I burn brightly,

but I'm drowning deep inside.

Enclosed in a rusty cage,

being jeered at by my demons,

suddenly THEY judge me,

when I start screaming.

I'm told to hold my chin up

and appreciate my home,

but surely that shouldn't mean

I completely ignore the reality and problems of my own?

A woman hands her child a coin,

and he flicks it in my face.

The woman laughs and

the child claps,

my first "reward" today!

I want to act and dance and sing,

something to express myself.

Yet most people make me into something

I'm not ridiculing my personality, esteem and self.

Alone I stand,

strumming my strings,

my throat is sore,

and my fingers sting.

Emotions find sanctuary,

behind brown eyes glistening.

Everyone can hear me,

but no one is listening......

You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, what's a life, anyway? We're born, we live a little while, we die. A spider's life can't help being something of a mess, with all this trapping and eating flies. By helping you, perhaps I was trying to lift up my life a trifle. Heaven knows anyone's life can stand a little of that !

--- Charlotte, "Charlotte's Web"

'Oh, what may man within him hide, though angel on the outward side'.

---- William Shakespeare

the lonesome journey .. half of U & half of me ...

Your footprints in the snow ...
'Beautiful'


The rest u know ...
cuz we can always complete ...
the broken .. incomplete sentences ...
which are always left unsaid ...
& even ..If.. Only ...the word
'Exactly'
is Used ......its always enough to complete the Unsaid ,broken sentence after a long silent pause !

what more perfection can anything Hold ...???
Nothin can be more perfect than this ...now ... can it be!